Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Need A Fix
In a melancholy mood tonight. As mentioned previously I'm on the South Beach Diet. It has provided great results, but there are things I'm not allowed to eat/drink. I'm trying to get the most out of the diet in the next few days since I'm to dance at the IML Closing Party. This performance means alot to me, but at the same time it is putting much pressure on my body image. The men that go to IML have been in more than a few fantasies of mine. Each man is the image of masculine, muscular, prime beef. To know that I'll be performing in front of such perfection is stressing me out. My body just isn't there. Dancing with TinMan, Vortex and LB isn't helping anything either. All three are masculine visions themselves. Because I'm trying to get the most out of my diet, I need to avoid all social establishments, ie. bars, until after IML has ended.
I am a social animal. Over the past few months of being unemployed, I've released my inner social animal even more. I need to be around people. At night the need is even greater. During the day I can usually control the need by doing errands that put me into contact with people in general. This gives me the illusion of being social, but not having to be with anyone in particular. Its a nice "fix". At night its a little harder. With B having been gone for the past month I've been visiting social establishments to get the fix I need. Since I'm dieting, I'm not able to do this. I never realized how much I've relied on the cheerleaders for companionship until tonight. The same goes for B. The closest I've come to feeling this way is travelling on business and going nuts in the hotel room at night. But then I've just said its because I'm in a city where I don't know anyone.
Tonight, I don't have the cheerleaders to hang out with, B is in Atlanta and I'm staying away from the social establishments. I want to eat, but can't. Comic books just aren't intersting me, eventhough I have a dozen brand new and never read. The book I'm reading isn't interesting me at the moment. Playing video games online isn't holding my attention. There aren't any movies playing I want to see. In short, I'm a junkie needing a fix.
Just got good news, DJ will be home soon. Going to go over and hang out with him for a bit. Hopefully this will take a bit of the edge off. I don't know how I'll get through till Saturday afternoon when B returns.
In a melancholy mood tonight. As mentioned previously I'm on the South Beach Diet. It has provided great results, but there are things I'm not allowed to eat/drink. I'm trying to get the most out of the diet in the next few days since I'm to dance at the IML Closing Party. This performance means alot to me, but at the same time it is putting much pressure on my body image. The men that go to IML have been in more than a few fantasies of mine. Each man is the image of masculine, muscular, prime beef. To know that I'll be performing in front of such perfection is stressing me out. My body just isn't there. Dancing with TinMan, Vortex and LB isn't helping anything either. All three are masculine visions themselves. Because I'm trying to get the most out of my diet, I need to avoid all social establishments, ie. bars, until after IML has ended.
I am a social animal. Over the past few months of being unemployed, I've released my inner social animal even more. I need to be around people. At night the need is even greater. During the day I can usually control the need by doing errands that put me into contact with people in general. This gives me the illusion of being social, but not having to be with anyone in particular. Its a nice "fix". At night its a little harder. With B having been gone for the past month I've been visiting social establishments to get the fix I need. Since I'm dieting, I'm not able to do this. I never realized how much I've relied on the cheerleaders for companionship until tonight. The same goes for B. The closest I've come to feeling this way is travelling on business and going nuts in the hotel room at night. But then I've just said its because I'm in a city where I don't know anyone.
Tonight, I don't have the cheerleaders to hang out with, B is in Atlanta and I'm staying away from the social establishments. I want to eat, but can't. Comic books just aren't intersting me, eventhough I have a dozen brand new and never read. The book I'm reading isn't interesting me at the moment. Playing video games online isn't holding my attention. There aren't any movies playing I want to see. In short, I'm a junkie needing a fix.
Just got good news, DJ will be home soon. Going to go over and hang out with him for a bit. Hopefully this will take a bit of the edge off. I don't know how I'll get through till Saturday afternoon when B returns.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Status Update
My last post was 12 weeks ago. What I didn't realize was as I wrote my post how much my life was going to change less than 2 hours later.
I got fired and have been unemployed since then.
It was interesting waking up that Monday morning. I woke up knowing that I was going to get fired. Sounds strange, but I knew. Before I left home, I grabbed a couple of shopping bags so I could carry stuff home from the office. The fact I truly ended up needing them was a little freaky.
Around noon, I was called into my boss's office. HR was there too. Walking in I knew what was happening. The reason for being let go was weak. I didn't do anything wrong, just that the boss wasn't happy with my job performance. Had he been able to clearly communicate his expectations things might have ended better. Oh well, that's water under the bridge. I no longer have to deal with him.
The past 3 months have been hard. Being fired and not having a job has really affected my self confidence. I'm no longer the strong person I used to be. This has been a very humbling experience. To go from the golden child to the problem child has been eye opening. I've changed how I deal with other people. Having always been on the "superior" side, I've felt I could give my opinions on everything. Now I hold my comments to myself. Too much glass in my house to even think of picking up a pebble, let alone throw one.
One bright spot in this whole experience has been the cheerleaders. These guys are so supportive and willing to be my personal morale booster. The VC has been a little bit strained recently, but we've kind of adopted a few others into our group. I'm starting to realize the VC was created during a time of difficulty within the squad. That time has passed. The VC are still good friends, but there are others now on the squad that share the "VC Ideals" so our interaction with each other is more spread out. While the VC may be ending is days, we will always be Dororthy, Tin Man, Lion, Scarecrow, Toto, and Glinda. Welcome to our new additions Vortex(formerly Trainer Boy), LB and DJ.
The bf decide that he was tired of being a big boy. He wanted to be a lean mean machine similiar to when we first met. We started the South Beach Diet in mid-April. I've lost 15lbs and he's lost 15-20lbs. It has caused others to notice the changes in our appearance. He's always been sexy to me, now he's sexy to others. Others are finding me appealing too. I've gotten enough comments that my confidence is starting to build up again. Getting kind of cocky, need to reign that in. I've had a slip in the diet recently, but I start working with a personal trainer in a couple of days. Hopefully it will be the kick in the butt I need. We have a HUGE performance in a month. I want to look good.
Got fired, VC on shaky ground, started a diet and lost 15lbs. The last 3 months have definately been eventful. I'm looking forward to what the next 3 months bring. I've been thrown for a loop, but I'm getting back on track.
Oh, one last thing. I start my new job in 2 weeks.
My last post was 12 weeks ago. What I didn't realize was as I wrote my post how much my life was going to change less than 2 hours later.
I got fired and have been unemployed since then.
It was interesting waking up that Monday morning. I woke up knowing that I was going to get fired. Sounds strange, but I knew. Before I left home, I grabbed a couple of shopping bags so I could carry stuff home from the office. The fact I truly ended up needing them was a little freaky.
Around noon, I was called into my boss's office. HR was there too. Walking in I knew what was happening. The reason for being let go was weak. I didn't do anything wrong, just that the boss wasn't happy with my job performance. Had he been able to clearly communicate his expectations things might have ended better. Oh well, that's water under the bridge. I no longer have to deal with him.
The past 3 months have been hard. Being fired and not having a job has really affected my self confidence. I'm no longer the strong person I used to be. This has been a very humbling experience. To go from the golden child to the problem child has been eye opening. I've changed how I deal with other people. Having always been on the "superior" side, I've felt I could give my opinions on everything. Now I hold my comments to myself. Too much glass in my house to even think of picking up a pebble, let alone throw one.
One bright spot in this whole experience has been the cheerleaders. These guys are so supportive and willing to be my personal morale booster. The VC has been a little bit strained recently, but we've kind of adopted a few others into our group. I'm starting to realize the VC was created during a time of difficulty within the squad. That time has passed. The VC are still good friends, but there are others now on the squad that share the "VC Ideals" so our interaction with each other is more spread out. While the VC may be ending is days, we will always be Dororthy, Tin Man, Lion, Scarecrow, Toto, and Glinda. Welcome to our new additions Vortex(formerly Trainer Boy), LB and DJ.
The bf decide that he was tired of being a big boy. He wanted to be a lean mean machine similiar to when we first met. We started the South Beach Diet in mid-April. I've lost 15lbs and he's lost 15-20lbs. It has caused others to notice the changes in our appearance. He's always been sexy to me, now he's sexy to others. Others are finding me appealing too. I've gotten enough comments that my confidence is starting to build up again. Getting kind of cocky, need to reign that in. I've had a slip in the diet recently, but I start working with a personal trainer in a couple of days. Hopefully it will be the kick in the butt I need. We have a HUGE performance in a month. I want to look good.
Got fired, VC on shaky ground, started a diet and lost 15lbs. The last 3 months have definately been eventful. I'm looking forward to what the next 3 months bring. I've been thrown for a loop, but I'm getting back on track.
Oh, one last thing. I start my new job in 2 weeks.
