Tuesday, December 28, 2004
Bail Faster, Bail Faster
The past four weeks have been filled with ups and downs as I deal with life at work. At times I feel like things are improving and people are happy. At other times, nothing I seem to do helps. Up until last night I'd say the scale was balanced on the improving/happy side. Last night I broke my informal rule and checked my work email from home eventhough I had the day off. I'd put the rule in place months ago because I'd received an email from NYC staff member that peeved me off alot for most of a weekend. Last night the email was from the boss.
The boss hasn't been one of my cheerleaders throughout the past few weeks. While saying I'm wanted, the impressions received do not back that up. An outside team member sent an email that he was cc:d on. The email asked for clarification on how something was supposed to be done. The boss sent an email starting off with "Lest their remain any confusion about your role..." There isn't any confusion about my role, but the situation wasn't one of my making. In fact I've spent the past 4 weeks trying to see to it that it doesn't happen again. The email went down hill from the opening.
After having stressing about the email the remainder of the night and all night while trying to sleep, I was finally able to talk to someone about it at work this morning. Miss B (MB) and I chatted and I explained that her addition to the email wasn't well received and caused me to get the stressing email. She agreed that I didn't cause the situation and affirmed I've been working to correct things. MB said she'd talk to The Boss. I took the notes written from my conversation with MB and sent an email to The Boss and MB. The Boss replied that we all shared responsibility in what had happened. While I still feel he is putting more blame on me, at least I know he knows I'm not fully responsible.
In talking over the email with B, B finally let me know how scared he is about things. While we could survive for a few months, the potential lack of insurance has him really worried. Since he doesn't have a full-time job, he is covered under my insurance. He is also worried that he'll never get another job, freelance or otherwise. With one of us working things are staying a float in his mind.
So as much as I'd like to blow a gasket and quit or force them into firing me, I can't. Here is another situation where someone needs me to be strong. I can suck things up, keep trying to do my best, retain my current job and look for a new one.
My armored boat is filled with holes right now. I'm bailing water as fast I can. Not sure how long I can maintain it. Eventually the boat is going to sink. Will I go down with it, find a new boat, or be able to ride in someone elses?
The past four weeks have been filled with ups and downs as I deal with life at work. At times I feel like things are improving and people are happy. At other times, nothing I seem to do helps. Up until last night I'd say the scale was balanced on the improving/happy side. Last night I broke my informal rule and checked my work email from home eventhough I had the day off. I'd put the rule in place months ago because I'd received an email from NYC staff member that peeved me off alot for most of a weekend. Last night the email was from the boss.
The boss hasn't been one of my cheerleaders throughout the past few weeks. While saying I'm wanted, the impressions received do not back that up. An outside team member sent an email that he was cc:d on. The email asked for clarification on how something was supposed to be done. The boss sent an email starting off with "Lest their remain any confusion about your role..." There isn't any confusion about my role, but the situation wasn't one of my making. In fact I've spent the past 4 weeks trying to see to it that it doesn't happen again. The email went down hill from the opening.
After having stressing about the email the remainder of the night and all night while trying to sleep, I was finally able to talk to someone about it at work this morning. Miss B (MB) and I chatted and I explained that her addition to the email wasn't well received and caused me to get the stressing email. She agreed that I didn't cause the situation and affirmed I've been working to correct things. MB said she'd talk to The Boss. I took the notes written from my conversation with MB and sent an email to The Boss and MB. The Boss replied that we all shared responsibility in what had happened. While I still feel he is putting more blame on me, at least I know he knows I'm not fully responsible.
In talking over the email with B, B finally let me know how scared he is about things. While we could survive for a few months, the potential lack of insurance has him really worried. Since he doesn't have a full-time job, he is covered under my insurance. He is also worried that he'll never get another job, freelance or otherwise. With one of us working things are staying a float in his mind.
So as much as I'd like to blow a gasket and quit or force them into firing me, I can't. Here is another situation where someone needs me to be strong. I can suck things up, keep trying to do my best, retain my current job and look for a new one.
My armored boat is filled with holes right now. I'm bailing water as fast I can. Not sure how long I can maintain it. Eventually the boat is going to sink. Will I go down with it, find a new boat, or be able to ride in someone elses?
Wednesday, December 08, 2004
Fall From Grace
Its been a while since I've written, 4 weeks actually. The first two were just uneventful, the last two have been filled with too many events. It has taken all this time just to get to this point and write about them.
Every family has the golden child. The GC is always outgoing, smart, friendly, strong, personable. The GC gets good grades, graduates college, builds a life. Basically the golden child is the one everyone else is measured against. I'm the golden child in my family, or at least that is the image I try to project. It isn't easy being the GC, but that's my role in the family. Taking into account the various cousins in my generation I can claim being related to, I'm the 9th born grandchild between the 3 families. I am the 1st to graduate college. The other 8 either didn't go or dropped out. Almost all of the 8 have a kid, half have been divorced. A couple have been in jail. At least one is a former drug user. Basically, when it comes to living the American dream of graduate college, get a job, get a home, start a family, it took 9 tries before someone succeeded. Of course, for me, the family thing is a sticking point. My family is, to say the least, unconventional. It has actually taken another 3 tries before that glitch was worked out by one of my younger cousins. But since few know the reasoning behind my unconventional family, I'm still out there as the golden child.
Being the the GC has boosted my confidence alot, almost to the point of arrogance and cockiness. It has been a nice suit of armor for when things don't run smooth. What I didn't realize was my armor had been developing holes and I wasn't as protected as I thought.
Right before Thanksgiving I was told that my job performance wasn't at the level expected. If the performance did not improve within 4 weeks, I could be terminated. While I knew things weren't great, I didn't realize others felt things were much worse. Wow, that armor disappeared quickly. I spent most of the holiday in a daze trying to come to grips with what I'd been told. By the end of the holiday I'd developed a game plan and looked forward to implementing it. After a week and a half, the plan is going fairly well. I'm able to sleep through the night and I'm finding my confidence again.
As I was dealing with work issues, a friend "C" let me know of an issue he's dealing with. C is a great guy. Unlike myself, C's life has been rough and tumble. While I'm "North Shore", he's "wrong side of the tracks". He's made some bad choices in his life, but is working hard to go to school and turn his life around.
Last week C shared with me that another choice has come back to haunt him. C is now dealing with a life threatening disease. While I'm not able to fly back in time and change the situation, I am here to be a friend and someone he can lean on.
Here am I worrying about not being a golden child (and losing my job), while a friend is worrying about not living to see his next birthday. My "fall from grace" while upsetting to me, is nothing compared to what my friend is going through. Time to pull myself up and get to work. A friend needs me.
Its been a while since I've written, 4 weeks actually. The first two were just uneventful, the last two have been filled with too many events. It has taken all this time just to get to this point and write about them.
Every family has the golden child. The GC is always outgoing, smart, friendly, strong, personable. The GC gets good grades, graduates college, builds a life. Basically the golden child is the one everyone else is measured against. I'm the golden child in my family, or at least that is the image I try to project. It isn't easy being the GC, but that's my role in the family. Taking into account the various cousins in my generation I can claim being related to, I'm the 9th born grandchild between the 3 families. I am the 1st to graduate college. The other 8 either didn't go or dropped out. Almost all of the 8 have a kid, half have been divorced. A couple have been in jail. At least one is a former drug user. Basically, when it comes to living the American dream of graduate college, get a job, get a home, start a family, it took 9 tries before someone succeeded. Of course, for me, the family thing is a sticking point. My family is, to say the least, unconventional. It has actually taken another 3 tries before that glitch was worked out by one of my younger cousins. But since few know the reasoning behind my unconventional family, I'm still out there as the golden child.
Being the the GC has boosted my confidence alot, almost to the point of arrogance and cockiness. It has been a nice suit of armor for when things don't run smooth. What I didn't realize was my armor had been developing holes and I wasn't as protected as I thought.
Right before Thanksgiving I was told that my job performance wasn't at the level expected. If the performance did not improve within 4 weeks, I could be terminated. While I knew things weren't great, I didn't realize others felt things were much worse. Wow, that armor disappeared quickly. I spent most of the holiday in a daze trying to come to grips with what I'd been told. By the end of the holiday I'd developed a game plan and looked forward to implementing it. After a week and a half, the plan is going fairly well. I'm able to sleep through the night and I'm finding my confidence again.
As I was dealing with work issues, a friend "C" let me know of an issue he's dealing with. C is a great guy. Unlike myself, C's life has been rough and tumble. While I'm "North Shore", he's "wrong side of the tracks". He's made some bad choices in his life, but is working hard to go to school and turn his life around.
Last week C shared with me that another choice has come back to haunt him. C is now dealing with a life threatening disease. While I'm not able to fly back in time and change the situation, I am here to be a friend and someone he can lean on.
Here am I worrying about not being a golden child (and losing my job), while a friend is worrying about not living to see his next birthday. My "fall from grace" while upsetting to me, is nothing compared to what my friend is going through. Time to pull myself up and get to work. A friend needs me.
